I passed a taxi van last night because after careful investigation I deemed the driver crazy and intoxicated. Driving far behind him meant going well under the speed limit so I decided to pass him, never exceeding the speed limit by 10 mph. Well, that plan failed because next thing I knew I was on the side of 66 counting to down to 56 from 73. Humiliating, by the way.
“License and registration, please.”
Of course I had no idea of my wallet’s whereabouts. Of course.
“Do you know how fast you were going and what the speed limit is?”
“I was going 62 mph and I believe the speed limit to be 55, Sir.”
“How much have you had to drink tonight?”
“A beer.”
“Really, just one? Because you reek of liquor. Please step out of the vehicle.”
Remember the heartbeat in The Tell Tale Heart by Edgar Allen Poe? Yeah, my heartbeat could have given that heartbeat a run for its money.
My eyes followed the officers pen point left and right and middle and left again. Then he asked me my level of education (GO HOOS!). He had me recite the alphabet starting at “D” and ending at “T”. Then he had me return to my car. While I know I was not drunk, I was sure I would be getting at least a ticket for not having my license.
After accusations of speeding and drunkenness, Mr. Officer Sir let me drive home sans license with just a warning.
This morning I got in my car to go to work only to be greeted by a very strong boozey vanilla smell. Oh. Right. Two days prior I had spilt a very large bottle of pure vanilla extract in my car.
See Mr. Officer Sir, I’m not a drunk! I’m a baker.